Tamara Johnson’s Diary

 I haven’t added an entry to my diary lately because I’ve been in a lot of transition and reflection. I am not even quite sure where to begin this entry because I’ve been having so many thoughts about so many things. Perhaps, it is best to begin chronologically. That goes way back. Way, way back. I almost want to begin in January 2004, when I married my beloved, Michael. But it actually goes back so much further than that . . . . to my first marriage.
 During my marriage to my first husband, I began and completed my education. It was during the education that I began to catch a tiny glimpse of what my future could hold. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I looked forward to helping people change their lives for the better. But first, I had to change my own life for the better. Along about the time my training ended and I finished the licensing process, it became very clear that my first husband was unwilling to do the required emotional work that would allow us to maintain a marriage that was alive. When I left that marriage, I left almost fourteen years of being belittled by him (and in some measure by myself because I had to have agreed with him to stay, right?) and really began the work of re-building my self-esteem. In fact, the therapist I had already been working with for a year had this to say during my first session after leaving the marital home and moving back in with my parents: “Good. Now we can get the real work done.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Well, he replied, “Everything we have been doing up to this point has been to get you out of that marriage that was killing you. Now, we can start working on helping you heal.” I had not even imagined that I hadn’t even started working on myself until he spoke it! His comment really gave me pause.  You may be wondering why I’m going so far back. Well, the real answer is that once I had left that marriage and worked on my self-esteem for a few months, I thought I had “arrived.” THIS was the work I needed to do to make me a fabulous therapist. I think it is really funny that although it happens over and over again, every time I get a new insight I think I’ve “arrived” and will be complete with my emotional growth. I’m simply thankful that the growth never ends.
 Ahhh . . . . hindsight! It seems that the more I think of the theme of compromising myself, the more I realize about it. In fact, I was out on my morning walk at 5am today and realized that the theme of compromising who I am (the theme of my entire 14 year first marriage) continued after graduate school. A little example is that when I first got out of school, my mom and I got to work and created a beautiful business wardrobe for me. I wore those clothes with confidence and saw myself as a successful, professional woman. THEN, one day one of my clients told me that he felt more comfortable with me when I wore jeans. What do you think happened? I nixed the professional wardrobe and started going casual to work. I have followed that pattern all the way up until last Saturday (when I took my professional identity back by dressing the part of my profession).  What I have realized is that compromising my identity is something I do to fit in, to be loved, to find acceptance and to help others. What I know today is that it isn’t necessary to throw myself out the window . . . . . especially since I’ve been putting things back together over the last several weeks. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
 About 5 months after my divorce to my first husband, God led my path to husband number two: Michael. Michael came along and I thought I had found my “knight in shining armor” and immediately thought I was going to be “rescued.” In fact, as soon as he and I became engaged, I started saying: “Now I won’t have to work so hard.” What I meant was that I had been struggling (not yet into complete recognition of my successful professional identity) financially and that I saw him as my reprieve. Screeettch!!!! Nope! He pays child support (as he should) to his ex-wife for the support of his two children from that marriage. Translation: New husband is barely able to take care of himself, let alone taking over my financial burdens! Realize that I’m saying this with the benefit of hindsight (once again). What I actually did with that information was to fly into “rescue mode” in an attempt to take on his financial burdens in addition to my own. Well, that didn’t work! So once I realize that wasn’t going to work, I consigned myself to the life of a pauper. To my way of thinking, my husband was poor, so I must, necessarily be poor, as well.  Something I’ve learned about being poor (from being poor) is that poor people are constantly looking for help in the form of a break, an opportunity, or a hand-up. I did that, too. My first idea was to write a book. If I wrote a book, I would get *rich* and all of my problems would be over. Well, publishing the book cost $$$$!!! So, into debt I went! Then, more debt as I thought it was imperative to get professional speaker training and (of course) I went to the best (and most expensive) program I could find. Now, in addition to being poor, I was in over my head financially . . . . but the book (when I came out) would remedy that, right? Nope!  So, one day my publisher sends me an e-mail encouraging me to go to a conference in Los Angeles for Humanity Unites Brilliance. I go. I see the promise of “sustained abundance” as the remedy that will help me out of poverty. I join. Yes, with my credit card. Bigger debt. Humanity Unites Brilliance (HUB) is a beautiful company with an amazing concept. I’m still a member, but re-evaluating what my involvement will look like because I found myself traveling all the time and hoping that my participation would be the much sought-after remedy for what ailed me. In reality, what ailed me WASN’T my difficulty with finances, but my lack of recognition of who I really am — yes, compromising myself to fit a chameleon mold again! I had even called one of my more affluent friends that I had made a close connection with through HUB to tell him that I need some help. I wanted to create a seminar series with him because he had the means to help me market it and get it off the ground. Of course, because of our connection, he agreed. I am, however, putting that arrangement on hold . . . . you’ll see why. Well, about three weeks ago, I realized (again, but it felt like it was for the first time) that I had it in me to create a fabulous, thriving private practice doing what I had been educated and trained to do. Immediately, I began working on growing my practice with an optimistic eye toward alleviating the debt I had accumulated while I was in “helpless mode.” But as soon as I began talking with Michael about my change in focus toward building my business, he began talking about taking a vacation. It was a vacation that he intended for me to finance with my soon-to-be-accumulated funds. When I told him that I could not pay for the vacation and that if he wanted to take me on vacation, he would have to pay for it, he cancelled. Boy, was I pissed!  And you know what I did when I got pissed? I realized that I’ve been sacrificing myself and NOT standing up for myself! I had, once again, given over my identity to someone else. When we have no boundaries, we don’t require the people in our lives to STOP. Then we get MAD when they take the things that WE GAVE THEM PERMISSION to take! Well! I wasn’t doing that any more and immediately went and got a much-needed, long-overdue manicure and pedicure. I enjoyed relaxing and being pampered, but so much more valuable were the realizations I had that day. That was when I realized that I had let go of my professional identity for Michael. That was when I realized that I LOVE the work I do and don’t need to chase any other opportunities in order to be successful. That was when I realized that my identity as a professional woman includes remaining well-manicured, well-dressed and massaged-as-needed!  Since the day of the manicure, I’ve stayed in my professional clothes until time to put on my jammies. I’ve stood straighter and *ahem* taller. I’ve been excited about my life and its possibilities. All of this from remembering who I am and taking that amazing, beautiful, successful, professional woman back! The other fabulous thing is that I am now much more interested in taking really, really good care of myself. Yes, pedicures and manicures, regular flossing, washing my make-up off at night and using products and food that nurture my body and health. It all feels like a very joyful process. So, here’s my 20-20 hindsight recognition about myself as a therapist . . . .  I’ve grown a lot. As I grow, I become better at helping. The truth is, Michael has been extremely influential in my personal growth and healing process since my divorce from my first husband and beyond. I am completely grateful for him. And at the same time, I am committed to embracing, celebrating and honoring my true identity while an active participant in the marriage. I want to say . . . . “No more chameleon for me!” But in reality, I think I need to stay awake to that tendency in myself. That said, I’m on my way out to wash my car . . . . professional people don’t drive cars with “dirt collection experiments” in progress!

          An awful lot has happened since I last posted on the 7th of May. It has been an amazing and enlightening 2 weeks. But as I sit here getting ready to post to my blog, I am aware that I need to address the issue of the landing page on the HUB website. It used to be that when you came to the home page of the company, in the lower left hand corner you would see my picture and “Tamara Johnson’s Diary.” Well, shortly after our last event, the diary was taken off the home page. I want to clear any questions up that have arisen about that shift. I am still 100% a member of HUB and I am still committed to documenting my journey. Many people have come to me to say how helpful my thoughts have been. I appreciate that and am committed to being supportive by continuing to post. The Diary was removed from the front page of the website after suggestions were made to highlight many different members of HUB rather than highlighting just one (i.e. me). I support that decision. If you still look forward to my diary, don’t despair. I will continue to post it in the member’s area and if you want to read it without going through the layers leading to the HUB member’s area, simply go to www.TamaraJohnsonsDiary.com and read! I’ll continue to post there, as well.          Ok. So now that the business is done, let me tell you what’s been happening for me. First of all, last Friday (the 16th) I went on another medicine walk in the wilderness of the Samuel P. Taylor National Park in Northern California. We focused on the North Shield, which in ancient traditions represents our work life. During my journey, I realized that my awareness of bringing my authentic self into my work of bringing healing to the women of the world is the most successful and correct way to proceed. During my walk, I worked hard and hiked through thigh-high weeds up to the top of the hills. Well, almost to the top. I had the desire to sit and rest just short of the top. I sat there and among the tall oat-grass with seeds at the tips that made swishing sounds in the wind. Sitting there right among the grass, I could hear the individual seeds hitting against each other — making a little clicking sound. I sat thinking about each of the women I already help; that the sound of each clicking represented each woman whose voice I empower and strengthen until she acknowledges her own beauty and value. As I sat there, I really felt comfortable and content . . . . as if I could stay there the whole time. But the reality was that I was called to climb to the top.           I forced myself up. Fifteen minutes later, I finally reached the top. I really do enjoy hiking. I enjoy getting sweaty and hot and hearing nothing as loudly as the sound of my own breath as I work to get to my destination. I laid out my blanket and relaxed among the grass. I stayed there thinking about what it is I have been called to do. I pondered the idea that although the vision I’ve been given is huge — helping every woman heal — I feel small, insignificant, barely grand enough for such a huge task. Then I ask myself who would listen to me. Up higher, the message must be more grand. I really believed that I needed something more than I already had to succeed from a higher vista. But as I lay there quietly, I heard it . . . . the very same snapping sound from the seeds of oat grass hitting against each other as I sat quietly. I realized that the people I can help with a grander approach are the same as the people I already help in my daily walk. What a concept! And I realized that although I believed I needed to be something I’m not, that simply isn’t true. I’ve been given gifts that help people already. Those same gifts don’t change when my offerings are made available to larger numbers of people. What a blessing to realize that!          So at the end of my medicine walk, I took a flight that got me home at 10:30pm on Friday night. Saturday morning, I was up at 4:50 am to travel to Irvine to attend Mark Victor Hansen’s Mega Business Conference. An amazing conference. I arrived on Saturday morning and stayed until the conference was over on Sunday night. There were so many speakers giving so much advice for growing a huge, profitable business. I really understood by the end of the conference that there is really so much I don’t know about business. I am a visionary. I am a creative. I need help!          One of the definite benefits that came out of the conference for me was the awareness that I need to really focus my energy. One of the speakers urged us to Avoid Minimum Wage Activities . . . . . What we focus on expands . . . . . focusing on minimum wage activities prevents us from focusing on taking action now toward building the future of our dreams. SO! Right now as I write this, a cleaning service is cleaning my house. I’ve decided to stop erasing messages from my home answering machine. When it’s full, it’s full! The important people know how to reach me . . . . and they NEVER do it by calling my home phone! I’m actually thinking about disconnecting my home phone. Why not?          This morning, while I was running my 3 miles at the gym, I was thinking about the conference. I was thinking about what happened at the conference. So many people attend and then run to the back of the room with credit cards in hand hoping to change their lives based on the promises made by the speaker on the platform. I was thinking about what kind of person it is that does that. I thought about my own experience of chasing gurus until my credit was maxed and my life hadn’t changed. I found myself wondering how many people actually make changes in their lives after a conference like that. Several speakers said that 90% don’t. I believe that.          I found myself feeling restless during the conference about buying promises. Then something different happened. The very last speaker was Berny  Dohrmann. He offered an incredible opportunity to be mentored, supported, taught and funded in a business building club called Income Builders International. The phenomenal part was that the training extends to those (like me) with the desire to participate and with the motivation to succeed but without the funds for initial enrollment. His company actually supports potential members in developing the funding to participate in the world-class training. It was so phenomenal that I found myself crying — trying not to break out in sobs — because I feel so grateful for the opportunity to take advantage of a break. I’ve been waiting for a break. If someone would just give me a chance, they would see I will succeed. Here it is.          So now, I’ve got to maintain my focus. Get to work. Roll up my sleeves as I count my blessings. Big is now. I have a vision for creating massive opportunities for women to grow and heal. It’s just on the horizon. So until I have another update I’ve got to get to work!

          It’s 9:30pm and I just want to leave a quick note about how this day has gone. I started at the gym for my ½ hour session. One quarter mile run at 5.5 mph, then 12 push ups – start over again for 6 sets total. Hard work, yes. But I can do something hard for 30 minutes. My motivation remained stable as I was sweating and huffing and puffing by repeating the mantra: “This is to improve my endurance for a life of service.” Worth it. I went to the gym last night, too. The workout was one quarter mile run at 6 mph, then 12 sit ups and 12 lower back raises – repeated 6 times. The whole grains are working well, too. I realized that part of the journey toward the pictures of myself that I didn’t recognize was the “a little bit won’t hurt me” mentality. No more little nibbles here and there. Everything counts.          Back from the gym and into the shower. Before my hair was dry, I spent some time with a few phone calls. Talked to my dear friend, Queen Ra, and one of her Lady Bug sisters, Susan. I told Susan about my vision for helping women and providing training so each woman can “pass it on.” I hear the hope in her voice as she says: “I want to do that.” I answer: “You’re in!” Then, I got into the car to pick up the Apple Laptop computer that had been donated over the weekend. Got a call from the woman who will look at it to see if it needs any upgrades. The good news is that she says that Apple computers aren’t built to be upgraded – rather, replaced. She is using 10 year old or older Apples in her business that work just fine. Great news! She’ll come by my office tomorrow to look at it and let me know what she thinks.           I stop by the office of a psychiatrist friend of mine to tell him of my new project and my vision for helping women on a grand scale. He keeps putting his hands in the air and shaking his head in wonder! It was really a fun conversation. He said that every time one of my clients comes to his office and tells him what I’m doing, he always says: “That doesn’t surprise me!” Now, he tells me “Tamara, if one of your clients came and told me that you were taking a trip to the moon, I’d say that sounds about right!” He asks for my cards and comments on the total transformation I’ve had since I first met him about five years ago. Really, a fun visit.          After I got back home, I was STARVING! Cooked up some quinoa, buffalo meat and green beans. Finished with an apple. Better. I’m so excited about stepping into my passions that I had to consciously choose to stop to prepare my food. I would have rather just gone on to creating my YouTube videos about the weekend, my Donate A Book campaign and the new, fabulous idea for bringing women into HUB and enlisting them to help me change the lives of every woman we can reach.           I recorded the video then got a crisis phone call from my daughter who lives with my former spouse. Went there and spent a few hours.          Then, a dinner appointment to talk about HUB and how the company can support my new friend toward realizing her humanitarian vision for her community. It was a lovely dinner! She says “I’m in” and that she is going to spend some time looking at the website.          Come home, edit and upload the YouTube videos. Great. Done. I’m tired, but this is the first day in a long time that I’ve spent so active all day pursuing something so fun! I really had fun all day! Felt more like play than anything else!

Well, I really came down from the weekend with some realizations. The number one realization being that I need to get my health into top form so that I can endure the intensity and the focus of a humanitarian life. I had such a melt down and I think it was related to not taking the best care of my health. I mean, when I compare my portrait on the back of my book to the pictures taken over the weekend, I have to ask myself: “What happened?”          That’s exactly what I did yesterday. Michael and I went out on a hike and while we were out I was talking to him about the reality that I am not ashamed of my body. I feel beautiful and confident. But when I looked at the pictures that were sent to me from the weekend, I just kept coming up with the impression that “Something just isn’t right.” The reality is that I don’t identify with the woman I see in the pictures that were taken over the weekend. So, that dropped me back down to a place of being fairly puzzled over what has happened. I asked Michael for his feedback and he said, “You are figuring it out.” I took that to mean that he was being diplomatic and didn’t want to give me his opinion. So I told him to tell me the truth. You can’t hurt my feelings. Just tell me the truth. Then, he offered his observation that when I was working out with my personal trainer and cross-fit training at the gym every day, I felt good, had a lot of energy and never seemed to struggle with this disconnect between how I feel on the inside and how I look on the outside.           The more I thought of it, the more I realized that he was right. When I was working out, I felt radiant and it showed much more than I see now. So I started problem-solving. Again, what happened? Here it is . . . . those beautiful pictures were taken in September. In October, I had to have surgery to rule out cancer. I was able to work out for about a month after that, but the affects of the anesthesia seriously knocked the winds out of my sails. Then, my trainer wasn’t available and I worked out with a trainer with whom I sustained an injury. Yeah. That’s what happened. Then in December, along came HUB and life turned upside-down in terms of my ability to maintain a daily balance. Life became very hectic for a while and I didn’t even think about the gym.           With the assessment and the realization of what happened, my passion for getting back to the gym returned. I really did love my time at the gym and my 30 minute work-outs were intense enough to really rev up my metabolism. In thinking about it, I also realized that the time in my life when I enjoyed the most vibrant health was when I avoided processed foods (sugar and flour), ate whole grains, fruit, vegetables and meat. I felt fantastic, had endless energy and never, ever got sick. Well, it looks like it’s time to really step up my game. The more energy and vitality I have, the better I will be equipped to serve. And I’m not going to measure my progress by stepping on the scale. I’m going for vital health, whatever that looks like. So last night, I decided to get to the gym this morning, but stayed up writing my diary until midnight and 5:30am came way too early. So my trip to the gym happened at 9pm and felt great.          During the day today, I had a series of really fabulous events. The energy of the weekend just carried through. When people asked “How are you?” my response was “Better than ever!” or “Really, really, really great!” They wanted to know why. I’m glowing and enthusiastically sharing about what happened this weekend and how it fits into and initiates my launch straight into living my passions. I shared with five people. I have a lunch or dinner appointment set up with two of them for more sharing. One committed to joining me on this fabulous journey and another one is going to look at the website.           I have to say that it’s been really miraculous. During a few minutes I had today, I thought I would go and tell my girlfriend who owns a shop and works as a manicurist about the weekend. I thought I didn’t have much time, but really felt strongly that it was the right time to go talk with her. Ten seconds after I walked through the door, another woman walked into the shop. I began talking enthusiastically about Queen Ra and everything that has happened regarding supporting the Sisters Circle. The woman said, “I came into this shop to meet you!” We exchanged information and I found out her desire for opening a thrift shop through which she could help the people in her community. She has felt a real desire and pull to do that, even though economic analysts say this is a bad time for investing. I described the possibility of putting her thrift shop into the organization and then sharing the HUB concept with her church community to build support for her humanitarian vision. She thanked God for telling her to come to Redlands when she was really on her way somewhere else. We decided to meet for dinner tomorrow night. Wheee! Fabulous to offer someone the opportunity to live their humanitarian dreams!          As the floodgates are opening, I also received an e-mail extending an invitation to be a featured guest on an internet radio talk show that supports and empowers women. What perfect timing! And I received another phone call that ended up with a speaking engagement where I’ll be able to speak to a group of women. More opportunities to tell people that the sale of my book is going to help women who otherwise would not have access to resources. That I will help them heal, then train them to mentor more sisters through the healing process. This is going to be a revolution for sure!          It is funny because early Monday morning, I told Michael that things are going to get better. He said, “When do you think that will happen?” I said, “Next week.” He doubted. I said, “Wait and see.” So today, I called him after every single new surprise and he said, “You weren’t kidding!” Nope! I feel it coming!          Today is Queen Ra’s birthday. We had a lovely phone conversation. Our connection is real and so full of passion for being of service. I’m really blessed and honored that HUB brought us together!

          Wow. I realize that there were things that happened over the entire weekend that I chose not to write about because I didn’t want to reveal the surprise. So now, I sit here and try to figure out where to start. My personal experiences of change far exceeded my expectations.           So let me begin by saying that on Friday night, the HUB Founders told all of us in attendance at the conference that we were going to play a game called “HUB Gives Big” and that Reverend Leon Campbell from Agape International and Mortimer Jones from the Salvation Army had chosen some families who had unmet needs. The game was to break about 600 people into 5 teams in order to meet the needs of each family. So on Friday night, we each broke into 5 teams. The team I chose was Yvette Vuono (aka Queen Ra). I chose her family because, although Queen Ra has had a lot of hardship in her life, she continues to give. Her “heart project” is a grass roots effort called Sisters Circle of Love serving over 200 members across the country. When I heard about her needs and about her tireless heart for giving, I knew I wanted to connect with Queen Ra.           So during the rest of the weekend, until Sunday afternoon, we all busily went down the list of needs, calling and e-mailing friends and business asking for donations. Together, we raised over $38,000 in goods and services for Queen Ra and her family. On Saturday morning, I realized that the CD I had been listening to on the way to the hotel had a message for me in this very weekend. The message was to partner with non-profit groups to provide my assistance, raise awareness and funds. On Friday morning, Mark Victor Hansen challenged us to give 10% while we are building our own abundance. On Saturday morning, I got a download: I could donate 10% of my profits from my book Pull Yourself Out of the Mud to Queen Ra’s Sisters Circle of Love! I was so excited when that idea came to me that I couldn’t get out of my hotel room quickly enough.It felt like an astoundingly fabulous idea, but somehow I still had a bit of doubt about whether or not it would do what I actually had hoped. I needed to find Charlie.          I quickly fixed my hair and went down to the restaurant, where I quickly saw him. I asked him: “If I donate 10% of my book proceeds to Queen Ra’s Sister Circle, that will raise awareness and draw more focus and support to what she is doing and increase my ability to keep giving, won’t it?” He kisses me and says, “Of course, it will!” Ok! Breakfast. But I was so excited about what I realized I wanted to do that I ate quickly and while I was walking upstairs to the Ballroom, I was still shaking inside. Was it hunger or adrenaline excitement? I’m still not sure. One thing I was very certain about was this is exactly what I have been longing to do; to reach out to the women in need who can only be located through the grass roots in order to empower their lives. So as I’m writing right now, I’m asking myself what other experiences I had during the Saturday sessions. The Founders provided us with a tremendous curriculum, just as they had on Friday. But as I look at the schedule, I realize that once I began getting my downloads about how I could help and step into my passion at the same time, I was completely checked-out when it came to listening to any more training. No, I actually didn’t hear one more presentation for the remainder of the two days. Don’t ask me what I was doing! I really couldn’t tell you! As I think about it right now, I realize that the shift I was making was so tremendous that all I had energy to do was try to process what was happening for me. You see, while I had been in the “lack mentality” that I’ve struggled with since before my HUB life ever began, my mind, heart and body were in that place. Now that I was committed to looking for possibilities and they were beginning to appear, it felt like I was getting a body slam from Heaven, then a kick straight through an open door. I think I spent the rest of my weekend at the conference in some kind of shock – literally. During Janet Attwood’s presentation on Friday, she gave us the passion test and then told us that people who live their passions choose in favor of their top passions whenever a choice is placed before them. I was making that choice and wondering how and if it would work. Trusting with trepidation. So during breaks I did my part to get pledges for the money I had agreed to raise and someone gave me the idea of getting a major book seller to donate 200+ of my books so that each of the women in the Circle of Love would have one. Great idea. I found out during lunch on Saturday how difficult it is to gain access to community outreach managers at major retailers! But when I was supposed to be sitting and listening, my mind, body and heart were simply too busy trying to process my internal changes and the difference in the response from the Universe that I could not sit still. Or if I was sitting still, my brain was completely checked-out! In fact, during one of the exercises Chris Attwood did while teaching about Enlightened Alliances, I was sitting-still-but-braindead and someone came up to me to ask if she could do the exercise with me. I said: “Sorry! I’m braindead!” Couldn’t come up with anything any more creative at all!Sunday morning, before I left the room I got another download. In fact, it was during my shower – a place I often receive downloads! The download was that I can create a Donate A Book Campaign. The reason is that Pull Yourself Out of the Mud provides a structured progression through the developmental process that leads to real healing for women. The response has been universally positive among people I’ve shared it with. It is critical that that piece of curriculum lands in the hands of every woman in need. And I also realize that when women love something, they want to share it with their friends and with other women. If I am to start a grass roots revolutionary movement of global cooperation and healing sisterhood among women, the jealousies that come from the old wounds we carry must be combated with a powerful weapon. That said, the weapon is my book – the culmination of 10 years of working with women in a facilitative process while they heal and 42 years of living the life of a woman! I’m committed to getting it to every woman and I see this opportunity unfolding right before my eyes. Ok. So what is the Donate A Book Campaign? It is this. That I invite every woman who reads and loves the book to donate one to the Sisters Circle of Love, so that every woman has her own “users manual” to help her climb out of any circumstance. And 10% of each of the donated books still goes back to the Sisters. It’s really beautiful! And once again, I couldn’t wait to get OUT of the hotel room! I tell friends on my team of my plan. They think it’s an excellent idea. And I struggle to keep my enthusiasm from overwhelming me!At breakfast, I sat with Susan and we talked about the way HUB has inspired each of us to an internal shift this weekend. She commented and I agreed that although there is so much external activity, internal changes are requiring the most energy and attention. The internal changes are positive in a developmental sense, but pull energy toward an internal focus. I shared my observation that each HUB event causes that kind of processing. It’s wonderful and it’s work! Throughout Saturday and Sunday, I found out that other friends were also experiencing a pull between focusing on the external activity versus allowing the internal shifts to monopolize their attention. I’m glad I am not alone in that. And I am in awe that this organization is affecting such phenomenal developmental changes within its members as we move forward together to make significant positive change in the world. So after breakfast, I invited three lovely women to ride in my car while we went to the service project. There we enjoyed company of HUB members and volunteers from the Temple where we were invited to service. We made flowers from colored tissue paper and pipe cleaners and decorated pots with tissue paper to take to women in shelters and convalescent homes on Mother’s Day. It felt good and was fun. Again, I look at the speakers for the day and realize I didn’t listen to one of them! I was sitting in the 4^th row from the front in an effort to get myself to pay attention, but after the first break, my seat had been usurped! I saw that as my opportunity to be of service and I went and found Sharan Ro and offered my assistance in anything she needed. This placed me in the position of being able to greet and visit with the five families whom we were planning to surprise with our Big Give! Fabulous! I was so excited to go and meet and visit with them. And I couldn’t wait to meet Queen Ra and find out if our visions for women were truly aligned in a way that would allow me to gift her organization in the way my heart desired. We made a heart-to-heart connection right away. I could see and hear Queen Ra’s heart, passion, faith and love bursting out of her pores! It made me so much more excited to think about what was about to happen.Soon, we went upstairs to provide dinner for the families before we began the reveal. I sat with the Brown Family. Mr. and Mrs. Brown have 5 teenagers! I enjoyed sitting with them and kidding around with the kids. I felt like bursting because I could see that just under the surface, Mr. Brown had deep concerns. The “small talk” we were making didn’t seem to reach what I saw as his pre-occupation and worry for his family. I could see his love for them. And I could see that the struggles they have been going through has worn on all of them. That is why it was so very gratifying to see each one of those teens grinning after we revealed what we had done for them. Whereas during dinner they were reserved, after the reveal, all of the girls had smiles on their faces and were happy to accept the warm wishes I extended when I came them with a kiss for their cheeks! It was really phenomenal.Queen Ra and I spent the rest of the evening hand-in-hand and she referred to me as her assistant whenever any request or question was posed to her! It was delightful to be her assistant! I did everything I could to make sure she was comfortable and worry-free. We had a few minutes to talk before I left her comfortably visiting with food at the reception and in our short conversation, we shared things with each other that told us that our connection went much deeper based on obstacles we’ve had in common in our personal lives. I really do believe that ours is a beautiful partnership that is going to impact so many women’s lives!So by the time we are settled and begin winding down from the weekend’s events, it is about 8:30pm on Sunday. I’m really, really, really tired! I realize that along with food, I need to sleep before driving an hour and a half back home. Just as I realize that, I say “goodbye” to Susan and share how very tired I am. She gives me her room key and invites me to go up to sleep for a few hours before I drive home. I accept.Before I go to the room, I go to my friends and say “goodbye.” I see Lee Flicker and Tiffany Silver who have both become dear friends. They both look at me and at the same time, they say “Are you Ok?” The tears begin streaming down my face. I’m so tired! They provide emotional support, friendship and comfort and agree that a bit of sleep before driving would be good. I go upstairs but I just lie on the bed with my head buzzing, my heart in a million places and sleep evading me. I seem so focused on the reality that I am going to get up again in an hour that I can’t begin to sleep. I go back downstairs about 30 minutes later – I feel completely undone. I go back to Lee and Tiffany. They say: “I thought you were going to sleep!” I tell them I couldn’t. I’m crying. I ask Lee to walk me to my car so that I can get my wallet in order to get some food. He agrees. We walk and talk about how overwhelming even good things like this weekend have been. Lee and I say goodnight and I go back inside.I go to the restaurant. No one I know is sitting alone and I am not in the emotional space to sit cheerfully in a large group. I leave the restaurant. I really don’t know what to do. I know that Connie and Sharan are in the ballroom. That’s safe. I go there and proceed to sit down and sob! They ask what I need. I tell them I’m tired and need food and don’t know how I’ll drive home. That I don’t know what to do. Just then, Peter Willis comes in and sees us all there. He volunteers: “I need to go get some dinner before I drive home, want to come?” I jump up and grab his arm. Yes. I need some food.We go down to the restaurant and find a place to sit. Shortly, I am able to calm myself by distracting myself from my internal state with the small-talk. Peter and I talk about how things that are so good can be so overwhelming and exhausting. I tell him about the shifts I experienced during this weekend. As soon as I’ve had some food, I can feel my body begin to relax and I think I could rest. Peter was planning to leave to drive home, so he gave me his room key so I could sleep a bit before driving home.Before we said goodbye, Jerry Conti stopped by the table and before he left, he asked me to call him so that we can talk about how he can help me network with other speakers and authors to get me more speaking opportunities and to bring more attention to my work. I thank him. He walks away. I’m sobbing again! I’m amazed and overwhelmed at the opportunities to step into my passion and a different level of abundance that has happened this weekend.I got to the room by 11pm and promptly slept until 3:45am. I awoke and realized that if I got in my car right away, I could be home in Michael’s arms for a while before he would have to leave for work. So, that’s exactly what I did!I pulled into the park at 4:50am and all the while that I was driving home, I was thinking about what is next and what I need to do. I was composing my speeches in my head. I was realizing that I have everything I need to do that right now. I do not need to be flashy! Who I am is a quirky girl from Barstow that’s been invited to step into something bigger while still waiting for the bus back to Barstow to show up. Yes, there is the mixture of words that teach people how to tune in to themselves in a way that heals. But the bottom-line realization I had is that I don’t need to be anyone else other than who I am! I even had people coming up to me this weekend to say that they watch all of my You Tube videos. Freaking celebrity status! Not bad for a girl from Barstow! I really do know what I need to do next. I’m excited about the opportunity all of these openings have provided for me to grow abundance in my own life in a way that allows me to serve women in a real and powerful way. The revolution begins – and my book doesn’t even come out for another week! Talk about alignment and Divine Timing!

So today I must talk about the subtext of this Awakening Your Brilliance event for me. It began two days ago; the day before I came to the event. I had been struggling with some emotional and motivational issues surrounding the desire to attend. Like so many times before, old patterns of belief and emotion had caused me to struggle with the idea as to whether or not I actually wanted to attend the event. I don’t remember what specific emotions played into the difficult I had, only that I didn’t want to come.          But then, I chose to shift my intention and my awareness. I remember intentionally deciding that I was going to focus upon possibilities and potential and go to the Awakening with the intention of seeing what opportunities would arise.           But even when I walked into the event, I could feel my own resistance. And the part of me that wanted to seek the good and the potential won out. I found myself in gratitude that I had chosen that way at the end of the day.          Just now, I came back to the hotel room after a long conversation with a new friend. That conversation found me speaking about how I am no longer willing to speak about the things that have caused me distress because I am no longer willing to give those things any acknowledgement nor energy.          So, tomorrow, we are going to do something really wonderful as an organization of caring, sharing individuals. I want to write about it here, but I don’t want to let the secret out! And I have to also say that incredible miracles are opening themselves in my life along the lines of being able to step into my passion and give in an expanded, phenomenal way. I don’t even feel like the same person!           It’s funny, though, because on one hand, I see what I’m stepping into and I think “Wow! That lady is really cool!” Then, the other part of me says: “Well . . . . I’m just a quirky girl born in Barstow that can never tell a lie. When we going back to Barstow!” I feel like I just put my tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy to pick up. I expect a quarter. When I wake up in the morning, I find $500! Wow! Amazing!          I’m not going to share about it right now. I’ll write about it tomorrow night. I’m going to sleep with deep gratitude and awe for the difference that has come into my life once I allowed it in my giving my energy to possibilities rather than to disappointments. Can’t wait to write about tomorrow! Tomorrow!          Oh, yeah. One last thing. Today so much gratitude came from being witness to the impact we have had in only the last two months of giving through our HUB organization. Today, a check was handed to Kenya Water Wells trust for $1000 to survey land at the Child of Destiny Center in Nairobi, a check for $6,000 was given to AlyceJo Symone for the micro-loans to women she is working with at the Child of Destiny Center and $22,000 was given to Larry Jones of Feed the Children. It happened right before my eyes. These are people who are working in the field, directly with those who are in need. I can see where my money – our money – goes. Phenomenal! I go to sleep now with deep gratitude for my participation in this amazing organization of huge-hearted people who are in action to make a difference in the world!

May 2, 2008 – Awakening Your Brilliance Event          Wow. It’s 12:07 am and I’m finally taking a breath. I arrived at the Raddison LAX at 10 am this morning and the day has been event, emotion, and inspiration-filled. When I arrived, the events were already under way. I felt blessed to be here today.          As I walked into the reception area, I was met by friends. I walked into the ballroom and there, Charlie was talking about diversity and uniting diverse talents into a co-creative space that this generation is called to in order to transform our planet into a place that works for everyone. Tears rolled down my face and I was confronted with the reality that I’m part of a movement that is a significant force for good already. To be here at the beginning; what a blessing.          Charlie invites Brother Ishmael Tetteh from Ghana who is an African Mystic and Profound Spiritual Teacher to the platform. Brother Tetteh invites us to participate in a very powerful prayer that brings us each into the energy of “I am the answer” to the problems that exist in the world. He names several of the problems and we answer with the mantra he gave us. This resonates with me so deeply and I feel my soul’s calling even more clearly and tears of gratitude roll as I repeat the mantra and add my “amen” to his prayer.           Next, we are taught by Mark Victor Hansen. He entertains us and gives us practical advice for improving our lives and becoming wealthy so that we can be of greater service.           Barbara Marx Hubbard shares her perspectives about global and human evolution and connecting with the current co-creative evolution of higher consciousness on the planet. Then, she shared a video conference question/answer session. The energy in the room is powerful.           Then, Janet Atwood from The Passion Test shares the passion test and provides us with concrete tools for getting in touch with our passions and getting clear in our vision so we can more effectively move into the live we desire. I’m simply amazed. The tools and opportunities of today are stellar. I have learned so much and am grateful for the energy and motivation I’m taking from today.          But the best part of my day came at the end of the day. I don’t think I’m going to write about it today . . . . Just to say that there will be a “Big Reveal” on Sunday of a project that we (about 600 committed, connected individuals) began working on tonight.          The meeting ended at about 8pm and just as the meeting was ending, Lee Flicker and I met Tiffany Silver – a biofeedback specialist and intuitive. She and I made an instant connection based on our shared commitment to personal growth and providing effective healing work to others. We decided to have dinner together. She drove me to a great crepe café and I had the best crepe wrap with spinach and cheese. During dinner, we talked.          Tiffany has an amazing intuitive ability and as we talked, she was able to see the dual energies I carry within my heart . . . . the desire to move forward with love into abundance and the ability to give freely contrasted with a deep resentment, anger, grief that I have attracted things into my life that I do not want. Tiffany lovingly opened my eyes to grief in my life that I have chosen to ignore – griefs that block me from loving myself freely and loving my family freely.          I have held anger and resentment toward myself for having a body incapable of reproduction. I’ve felt betrayed by myself. I’ve not allowed myself to be receptive and to receive because I resent myself for bringing the things I don’t want into my life. With Tiffany’s help, I can see the way clear to release those resentments (chakra work, releasing energy that is negative, forgiving myself.) Yes, it comes back to forgiving myself. Being kind to myself. Loving myself for bringing those things into my own life that can teach me. Accept what is . . . . even those things that I’ve wanted to avoid grieving about. I really do sense that acknowledging, accepting and embracing those griefs I’ve been avoiding are the opening into my new transition into possibilities.          There’s always something to do, isn’t there?  ; - )

On Friday, I had the great privilege of returning to the wilderness for a 3-hour solo medicine walk in the wilderness of the San Francisco Bay Area. The insights and healing I gained there were, once again, tremendous. On this walk, I began my journey in the energy of pondering deep questions that had arisen for me while I was listening deeply to my own inner voice and setting my intentions for my journey. Without planning to do so, I shared with the other hikers and the group’s leader that I although I have tremendous energy and gifts to share, the shadow side of my life that I do not yet understand is the battle that has been labeled by a few as “Chronic Fatigue” or “Fibromyalgia.” I have moved forward and given with great love and energy to those around me who have need, only to find myself exhausted – seemingly beyond what would have made sense for the level of energy I had expended. Although I am aware that physical symptoms in the body are often connected with unresolved emotional issues and I am vigilant about keeping my store of unresolved issues to a minimum, some symptoms still remain. I have felt some very real and profound connections to my grandmothers who have passed to the other side. And now, as I stepped across the threshold of the ceremonial circle from which I was launched by the group leaders, I was keenly aware that the symptoms I carry in my body today are part of some kind of legacy I carry from my mother and from her mother – my maternal grandmother. So the questions I asked as I stepped out in the beginning of my journey were: “Why am I carrying something that does not belong to me? What am I to learn from a legacy of shared, passed-down pain? How does my carrying the symptoms of unseen pain connect me to those from whom I was born? What am I supposed to do with this pain?”As I walked, I became aware of so much in nature that combines life and death in the same moment. I passed a huge, fallen tree trunk. It was dead, but covered in life that seemed oblivious to the death in the host: moss, weeds, insects, small animals thrived in spite of their dead host. I became aware that Fibromyalgia is life and death in the same body. So many times, we move through our lives striving to avoid looking into the darkness of the cocoon that holds painful memories and past injuries. I believe that it is this cocoon from which the symptoms of death (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue) arise because we would rather die than open the cocoon to explore its contents. But yet, we live. The conflict between life and death in the same body is where physical pain and mysterious symptoms find their birth.And yet, this awareness does not help me answer the question as to why I carry symptoms. So my question changes: “How do I carry life and death together in my body?” I hiked deeper into the wilderness along the trail that ran beside a brook. Thirty feet below where I stood, I saw a clearing that called to me. I had to get down there, even though the way down was not marked by an path. Taking a deep breath and pausing for a moment as I climbed down to ignore my own question as to whether I had the ability to get to my destination, I moved deeper into this dark, damp, tropical alcove. Almost at the bottom, I found it necessary to “fall” about 4 feet to get to the stream. This was a very shady, secluded place where I was alone – except for a million mosquitos, interesting flies that walked on the water’s surface and a California Newt that I spent some time playing with. It was amazing to see a “lizard” who never seemed to come up for air and who moved in slow motion against the current of the stream.  I stepped across the brook using rocks that protruded out of the water and sat on the other side, deep in thought. “How do I carry life and death together in my body?” I thought about my mother and my grandmother and how they have carried pain that manifested in their bodies. As I sat there, I looked about 50 feet upstream. I saw a different little spot in the clearing I wanted to sit at. Impulsively, I got up – only to realize that the other spot wasn’t any better or worse than the spot I was sitting in. Then, as if the Newt that was crawling against the current could speak to me from his hiding place in the water, I realized that I often want to be somewhere I am not. I didn’t need to move. I needed to appreciate where I was and keep asking myself questions. Then, it came to me . . . . the most significant way that I want to be somewhere I am not is with my body. For me, the legacy of life and death in the same body is manifested in self-rejection and shame about my body. Like the lizard who puffs his body up to make it bigger in the face of a threat, we women do the same thing. We make ourselves larger to protect ourselves from threats. Then, we torture ourselves trying to make ourselves small and berating ourselves for not being able to do both: make ourselves bigger to be safe and make ourselves small enough to disappear or to be loved. During my own adolescence, I was taught these lessons through the osmosis process that happens in the subtle signals passed down from generation to generation. I created my own form of self-rejection from the shame I learned. I never learned to love my body or to be comfortable in my physical form. Instead, I tried to make myself disappear. Then, in my first marriage I was faced with real threats to my well-being and made myself larger. In either path, I followed the example of being unhappy with my own form that was passed down to me.As I write this, I am ever aware that this pattern I’ve found in my own life and in the lives of women I love is pervasive in our culture. We are taught to hate ourselves. We are taught to look at the surface appearances and make judgments by comparison. How can we live this way? How can we wash ourselves clean of shame that doesn’t belong to us? How can we learn to treasure the flesh and bones that make us human and allow us to move and breathe and act and love?Alone in the wilderness in this secluded grove of fern, moss, mosquitoes and trees, I created my own rituals for reclaiming my body. There I used the mud from the earth to dress all of those parts of myself that I had rejected. Then, I bathed to wash away all of the shame. All along, I felt the comfort and support of my grandmother. Healing in a way she had not been able to do. But I could and I did. The healing, cleansing ritual I created there seemed to meet her approval – as if my healing was also her healing. And my mother’s.As I walked away from my secluded ritual grove (once I figured out how to climb out of the hole I had to fall into), I had a renewed sense of strength and peace. Yes, I felt exhausted. So I lay in the field and listened to the birds and the wind.In the days to follow, I’ve discovered that I have a new appreciation for my body. My size hasn’t changed much. About two years ago, in fact, I got a “download” telling me to stop trying to change myself – it was a download that I have been aware of, but incapable of heeding. During that walk, the rest of the mystery was given to me so that I could actually stop trying to change myself. A woman who is full can feed the world from her essence. The Earth Mother Goddess is full, fertile, nourishing, radiant, alive, vibrant. She gives from her full being and is beloved and honored and worshipped. That is the image after which I choose to pattern my self-worth and my appreciation of my own body.As I do after I come home from a medicine walk, I created art. On my wall hangs my painting of my own body, encircled by the words “EARTH MOTHER GODDESS” Yes, I will continue to nourish my body and exercise sensibly. But as a form of worship for the gifts I have and the gifts I can give. Never again from a place of shame. Never again.  

          I didn’t realize it, but it has been just over 2 weeks since my last diary entry. I found, about two weeks ago, that the changes I experienced were not easily attached to words or a description. But since I’ve become involved in HUB, my involvement in the community as well as my relationship with God have moved me into places in my mind, heart and Spirit that I never imagined before. In some ways, it does feel like I’ve gone into my cocoon and turned to mush . . . . Emerging requires me to think more deeply and reach further to describe the “mush” experience.           The biggest shift came for me when I went into the Wilderness last month. On the “medicine walk” that involved me being alone in the wilderness for two hours, I faced so many of my old fears. I sat under a low-hanging bough of a pine tree and cried for a long time. I felt that the tears represented me allowing myself permission to cry my fears away – all of the “little girl” fears that I’ve carried around for far too long. As I sat there alone, I really acknowledged them and allowed them to wash over me — and then wash away with my tears. It was an acknowledgement and a letting-go at the same time. Then, I just lay there, quiet. Listening to the sound of the pine cones knocking against each other as the wind pushed them into each other’s way. As I lay there, I felt absolutely quiet and I paid attention to what it felt like to have no fear. On the remainder of my walk, I broke out in impulsive laughter again and again because it felt so wonderful to be unafraid – even in a wilderness environment that was unfamiliar to me.Since coming home, the gifts of that trip have become increasingly apparent. One of the gifts that I’m most grateful for is a deep-down, gut-level awareness that I have worth. It isn’t an awareness that I have to talk myself into. It is just solidly there. Like a solid foundation to stand upon. I’ve even walked into some situations since coming home where I have been worried in the past about rejection or not being loved by others. That worry is gone. Even when I have seen that someone who is typically quite attentive and loving was preoccupied with personal concerns and seemed distant and cold, I held onto my sense of myself and was able to see that the preoccupations and circumstances surrounding my social environment have nothing to do with my worth. As it happened, I was actually pleasantly surprised that I had no experience of self-rejection. Instead, I could let it go and allow for the possibility that the other person needed more of my love. I even had to go into a situation that has been extremely hostile in the past – dealing with someone in court who has been very hostile toward Michael and I. Again, I was able to see fear and desperation in the other person. Rather than feeling my own fear, I felt compassion. I encouraged Michael to respond in a cooperative, loving way. We both came away feeling peaceful and satisfied because we didn’t carry energy that dragged us down as we walked away from the situation. It felt very good.          The curious part of this foundation of self-acceptance and love that happened after I released my fears is that I am looking forward to stepping into my ideal scene in a different, more confident way than before. One of my top destinations involves professional speaking. I’ve been trained by one of the best programs in the country. But fear has stopped me. Now, I think about my plans. I am ready to do whatever it takes to succeed. My book comes out next month. May 13. I’m ready to do the promotions it requires. I’m ready to speak to groups. I’m ready to share what I have without fear. That’s a major shift for me. It speaks to deep healing that happened in the wilderness.           Now, I am able to take the assignments from the HUB Personal, Business and Humanitarian curriculum and move forward with confidence. I now believe that I will succeed. Everything inside of me seems to be aligned with my vision and with the path that I believe God has placed in front of me.           One of the reasons I’ve hesitated to write diary entries is because over the past two weeks, I’ve not struggled with the emotional roller coaster experiences that have characterized this diary. I spend so much more time with quiet inside. It feels really good.           I’ve also experienced another shift. Since I came home I’ve decided that I will do nothing that I do not want to do. It is much less a rebellious attitude and much more of an acknowledgement that I am the authority who makes the choices regarding my life’s direction. No other authority outside of me determines that. Funny thing, the way that affected me . . . . My home is cleaner than it has been for a long time. The reason is that I’ve taken my time to enjoy the process of keeping it clean. Instead of cleaning and feeling a grudge because I’m cleaning alone, I clean because that is the way I want to live. Victim mentality . . . . .gone!          Another wonderful discovery I’ve had is that the reason diets don’t work for me is because the diet requires me to rely on the guidelines someone outside of me sets regarding when I can eat, when I can’t and what foods are okay or not okay for me. One day a few weeks ago, I realized that diets are destined to fail because since childhood, most of us want to be able to do what we want and we seem “wired” to rebel against someone telling us what to do. And what we eat is so BASIC in terms of being in charge of our own bodies! So, I looked at it . . . . I’ve looked up PMS, Asthma and Overweight in a reference book I use for Nutritional Healing. Interesting, in all of those areas of concern, white sugar, dairy and refined flour were implicated as problem-ingredients. I’ve known forever that sugar hurts me. So, I decided to simply avoid those things. Also, I’ve decided to simply listen to my body! I made that decision after I realized that before my first marriage, I never had a weight issue! I was 24 years old before the excess weight appeared in my life. So, I decided to listen to and respond to hunger signals in my body the way I used to: eat when hungry, eat what you want – try to make healthy choices, stop when you are full. Wait until hunger happens again and start over. Amazing. I’ve been doing that for the past two weeks – and going out on hikes outside as often as I can over the past month. Effortlessly, I’ve already lost 7 pounds. All from trusting myself.            So I have experienced a shift and my sense is that my Diary is about to shift, as well. I think I’ll be able to see “outside of myself” and my own issues toward more accurately hearing and seeing what is going on around me within my HUB family and within the community I interact with on a day-to-day basis.          Michael and I went to an Igniting Your Brilliance event in Oceanside on Saturday. I was really impressed with the numbers who were there – people are catching on to the vision of HUB and it is a pleasure to be part of such a positive movement of people, purpose and profit. It was wonderful to see Charlie, Spryte, Paul, Brandon and Peter again. I also enjoyed re-connecting with other Founding Angels. The energy of the events are rejuvenating. To re-establish my connections every time I come to an event reminds me of why I am here. It is a phenomenal blessing to be part of a community that is committed to making positive change on the planet as well as providing the catalyst to get us thinking and moving and changing as individuals. Truly, when we are our best selves, we are in the very best position to bring our brilliance into the world. The HUB community supports the personal transformation and the global transformation. For that, I am very, very grateful.

          I came back from my wilderness experience having received amazing, transformative gifts that were so remarkable that they feel too sacred to share in public forum. What I will share is that I gained a sensory awareness of the things I had been working on and trying to incorporate in my life. Specifically, in the wilderness I confronted my fears and lack of trust in myself in a way that led to deep healing. It brought back joy and peace and absolute awareness of my own value . . . . awareness that I don’t have to “talk myself into!”

          And I came back with the realization that I’ve been living my life on a treadmill of someone else’s design and never questioning how or why I was running around feeling so pressured all of the time. Since I have come home, I’ve taken a lot of time for quiet reflection. I have decided that I’m not living my life the same way any more. And for the past week, I’ve pretty easily maintained an attitude that shuns the pressures of “keeping up” with the pace imposed outside of myself. I don’t want to do that any more and I don’t have to!

          So instead of fretting over a messy home while I run out the door to the next obligation, I’ve been cleaning in the enjoyable, meditative way I choose to do it. I’m not putting any of my energy into things that don’t serve me or the good of those around me. I’m not allowing myself to be chased by the “shoulds.” I’m taking my time. I’m staying centered and balanced. I’m so much happier and very grateful! My daughter is happier. I’m more true to myself and from that place I can give the service I choose so much more authentically!

          I cleaned the kitchen tonight after dinner – I actually cooked dinner about 3 times this week – which I usually don’t do. As I was cleaning, I felt none of the former resentment toward anyone I felt should have been helping me. The reality is that there is a certain way I want to keep my home. I do that for me. I’m happy to give myself those gifts. Yes, I’ll insist on help in maintaining it. But I feel so much gratitude to be centered in myself and able to move through my day without resentment!

          All of this is connected to my Ideal Scene. I completed my assignments from the Personal Development call over the past week. I’m moving into the action steps toward building my Wilderness Therapy Day Hikes practice. I’m not allowing time or energy to be spent on “what ifs.” I feel very abundant. I feel very grateful to live in a place where beautiful natural environments are so easily accessible.

          In most of the entries I’ve made to this diary up until now, I’ve allowed the emotions and the roller-coaster experiences to dictate what I write. Today, I am enjoying the serenity of feeling consistently in-balance. I like it! Until now, I actually have been living my life according to what I thought I “had to” do. Now, I’m committed to doing it as I want to. Feels so much better and so grown up! I’m very excited about watching how opportunities will open up for me since I feel so much more able to attract the abundance that we talk about so often in HUB.